Merry Christmas

It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to post anything new, but that hasn’t been for lack of effort. I’ve gone back in forth, both in my head and one paper, trying to decide on a suitable topic. I was going to post a “best of 2008” list, and still may in a couple of weeks. Since I’ve been very busy lately getting ready for the holidays I figured that topic might be as good as any other, so let’s talk about Christmas (or any other holiday you may celebrate in lieu of). Let’s talk about your fondest Christmas memory, favorite gift, or least favorite for that matter.

My fondest Christmas memory isn’t so much a single isolated event, but the memory of a grand tradition. This was a tradition that began before I can remember, and lasted up until my early twenties. This tradition was centered on family, great food, fun games, and of course gifts.
Each year Christmas began with a drive to my aunt’s house to celebrate with my father’s extended family. We spent our time in the basement, where the dark wood paneling, crackling fire in the fireplace, and large deer head mounted on the wall conveyed sense of warmth. There was a large brightly decorated tree in the corner of the room surrounded by a mountain of presents. Another room in the basement served as a buffet station with a plethora or tasty treats ranging from little smokies and various types of jerky to seasonal cookies and cupcakes. This room also contained a fully stocked bar though I was much to young to partake, but they had a variety of soda (pop) and juices to choose from as well.
After we our tummies were stuffed, it was time for presents. My uncle dressed up as Santa Claus and came down into the basement to hand out gifts. Each child received one present that had been pre-selected by our respective parents. After Santa handed out his gifts he headed off to deliver presents to the rest of the children across the world. While the kids tore into their packages and played with their toys, the adults played a grab bag game. Grab bag was something I grasped the concept of until much later, and to this day it is one of my favorite things about gathering together with the family. I always remember it being late, or at least very dark when it came time to leave my aunt’s house and head home. I was both eager to get to sleep yet completely restless at the same time. I was unable to shake the excitement of Christmas, and my parents always warned me that Santa wouldn’t come to the house until we were all asleep. Though I would fight it eventually I did fall asleep.
There was one rule Christmas morning; we all went downstairs together as a family. My brother and I would wake up earlier that day than any other day of the year, and would excitedly barge into our parent’s bedroom to share the joy with them. After a giving my parents a few minutes to wake up, we tore downstairs eager to see what Santa Clause had brought. This aspect of the tradition had changed when I was thirteen and had moved into a new house where my parent’s room was upstairs while my brother’s room and mine were on the main level, but I digress. I always remember the excitement and awe of tearing into the wrapping paper to discover a new and exotic GI Joe vehicle that I had never seen before. Our stockings were stuffed with trinkets, candy, and a few new GI Joe figures to command our new vehicles. Of course after opening our gifts it was up to our father to assemble the vehicles, so we could play for a bit before heading off to our next Christmas destination…Grandma’s house.
What kid wasn’t excited about going to the Grandparents house for Christmas? I can’t speak for anyone else out there, but the Grandparents spoiled my cousins, brother and me rotten. Aside from the video game systems, GI Joe toys and board games, the best gift was the one that my grandfather made. He made everything from games to wooden GI Joe bases, all of which I still have in my possession. One game was comprised of small wooden gun (working trigger mechanism and all) shot rubber bands at little targets that pivoted on clothespins, eventually my brother and I began targeting each other instead.
I would spend all day at my Grandparents house eating, watching movies, playing with my new toys, or playing games with my cousins. One of my fondest memories is of my Grandfather teaching my cousin and I how to play cribbage, and though he schooled us every time (still does actually) it was always a lot of fun. Just as with my aunt’s house it was always late when we left my grandparents house, and though I was always exhausted I already couldn’t wait for next year in anticipation of doing it all over again.

Over a decade later I am no longer the child I once was (though I do still play with toys), and a new tradition has begun. I have my own family now, and a daughter that is just as excited for Christmas morning as I always was. This Christmas Eve we will be going to my parent’s house (well, it’s my mom’s house now, but my dad will be there…but that’s a story for another time). My mom, with the help of my brother’s fiancé, will prepare a generous Christmas dinner. We will eat, play games, and the kids will open presents. I expect my daughter, Zoe, to be both tired and excited when we leave my mom’s house, and fall asleep on our drive back into town.
Christmas morning Zoe will wake up earlier than any other day of the year, and rush into our bedroom to wake us up. We will all head downstairs together where we will open presents, and I will stoke a fire in the fireplace. After we open presents, Zoe will play with her toys. I won’t have a chance to play with my new toys (I know I am getting toys because I helped Santa Claus pick them out and even pay for them) because I will be busy making breakfast.
After breakfast, we will head over to my wife’s parents house to spend the day. Just as when I was child Santa Clause also visits there leaving a number of toys for the children, and yes, the children are just as spoiled as I was if not more so. Throughout the day we will eat and play games, which includes a grab bag game. Every year I try to out do the year before with a gift that is both farcical yet truly rewarding. A few years ago it was a photo of mew wearing a Santa Claus hat, flipping the camera the bird, and the words “Merry fucking Christmas” outlining the frame. Last year I picked up a movie from Wal-Mart’s Hispanic video rack, using an Exacto knife I slit the plastic covering and slipped in a couple of lottery tickets, and then resealed the plastic so that it appeared that it had not been tampered with. This year my wife’s idea was to steal her mothers favorite green sweater then wrap it up as a gag gift. As for my own gift idea I am thinking gay porn!

So as one great tradition had ended a new one has begun, and this tradition will carry on until Zoe has a family of her own (decades from now hopefully), and my wife and I become the Grandparents with the means (I should start saving now) of spoiling the grandchildren. The circle of life continues, right Simba?
Though there have been some changes in regards to the Holiday tradition one important aspect of this most joyous of holiday seasons remains constant…the presents! Just kidding. It’s actually the love and warmth that comes from spending time with friends and family. The food, liquor, and laughs are all part of the festivities, and I know I could enjoy those items on my own, but it’s much more fun to share with those I love.

I know I joke about presents as being an important part of the Christmas tradition, and to a certain extent it is. Not so much the receiving per say, but the giving. A big part of Christmas is giving, and the mass consumerism our great nation is built upon has ingrained that aspect of the holiday into our head. Black Friday is damning evidence of this. So among all the presents you have both given or received, is there one particular gift that stands out among all the rest? Maybe you were the lucky recipient of a brand new Lexus like in those Oh so realistic commercials on television. I’m waiting for a debt consolidation firm to have a commercial showing that same vehicle getting repo’d six months later. Or perhaps you’ve given a special loved one a beautiful cubic zirconium necklace from Gordman’s.
One gift I remember receiving in particular was from just a couple of years ago. There was a Punisher statue I had a complete hard-on for, but it’s steep price point made it an unrealistic purchase. I had hinted at it to my wife, and even showed her some pictures I’d taken via cell-phone, but again had no expectations of ever getting it. Low and behold on Christmas morning my wife sends me downstairs to start a pot of coffee, and guess what is sitting on the kitchen counter staring right back at me. It was the highly coveted Punisher statue of course! If it weren’t then this story would have been completely pointless. He was even wearing a pink Santa hat! That statue has a very special place in my heart for a few reasons: The Punisher is my favorite comic book character, and it was a complete surprise, which is epic if you know my wife’s ability to keep a secret. The Punisher has his own place in my office on a glass table where he can watch me work.

Now what about a bad Christmas gift? Is there such a thing, or is it always the thought that counts? Regardless of the thought a gift can still suck. Why else would the return department at stores be so insanely busy the day after? Now I am not even going to mention the phallic shaped piece of driftwood I received one year because that was touted as “a family heir-loom. One of my worst gifts is categorized as such because of both the actual item and the thought (or lack there of). One year an ex-girlfriend gave me boxer shorts. Not just one pair, but four or five pairs. Old Navy must’ve had a sale on X-mas themed boxers where you buy one you get four free or something. We weren’t dating at the time and she was seeing someone else, but none-the-less I loved her and actually put a lot of thought and consideration into her gift (I can’t remember what it was, but I’m sure it was thoughtful), and she got me boxer shorts with Christmas trees, snowmen and even reindeer! I wonder if her douche-bag boyfriend would’ve liked the idea of her giving me underwear as a gift. And what does it say about the quality of Old Navy products that the boxers didn’t last as long as our painfully contrived relationship.
I don’t know if I have ever given a gift to which someone said, “thanks for the shitty gift.” I suppose that is what Christmas lists are for, but you can ask my wife about it. This year I picked her up a…I better not spill the beans here. She typically doesn’t bother to read these blogs, but with my luck this would be the one time she does!

I hope everyone has a great holiday, and would love to hear your own stories about an unforgettable Christmas memory. Till next time!