Lights, Camera, Action

Soon to be a Major Motion Picture

So the title may be a little misleading…okay, very misleading. And that first sentence is a complete lie. This entry isn’t about Black Jack being optioned for a film, or even an actual film. This entry is a “what if” style look at my own life being made into a film. What would the title be? Who would be cast as the title and supporting characters? What’s the basic premise? Is it a three-film deal like a trilogy, or done in one?

One possibility for a Major Motion picture about yours truly would be a dramedy titled Highway To Hell, which seems appropriate since the majority of those close to me seem to think that’s where I will be spending eternity. As one of the years best films, and nominated for six Academy Awards, the movie’s basic plot would be follow my downward spiral into a life of debauchery including alcoholism and womanizing…and that’s just the first act. The second act would be my inevitable self-discovery thanks in part to the love of a good woman, and then my steady rise to success as business mogul, husband and father. The third and final act has yet to be determined, but may include a close call with death where my life flashes before my eyes either via a horrific skydiving accident or testicular cancer. This close call reaffirms my love of life and my family. To encapsulate, this particular film would be a dramedy in the same vein as American Beauty (except I hopefully live to see the end credits), or Boys Don’t Cry (except, once again, I hopefully live to see the end credits)

Another concept is a bit more comical, and would be more like Grandma’s Boy, or Super Bad. This film titled Fanboy For Life would follow the life of a genius slacker content with a life debauchery (a similarity in the various story ideas), living in his parent’s basement, and simply dreaming of being a comic book writer without actually writing anything. Instead our ignoble hero reads comics, plays with toys, drinks too much, smokes too little, and shirks of responsibility. This all changes when he falls for a beautiful woman totally out of his league, and is forced to take responsibility and grow up or risk losing the girl of his dreams. It is through a series of life changing events such as getting a real job, getting married and starting a family does our hero decide to pursue his dream as a comic book writer. Once again the third act has yet to be determined, but would involve a long tenure creating and writing some of pop-cultures most iconic figures, but always remembering that his family comes first.

A third and final concept titled Saving the World One Dame At A Time, which would take many more liberties with the subject matter would be an action comedy produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and direct by Michael Bay. This version of my story would feature a hapless “everyman” type protagonist that discovers he holds the key to stopping a vast left wing conspiracy to bring about a socialist-totalitarian government in the United States. Once again our hero meets the girl of his dreams who decides to tag along assisting him in his quest to protect his freedom of speech and his Capitalistic ideologies. After a submarine chase, an aerial dogfight, and a car chase between a 09 Dodge Challenger and a dozen black BMW 5 series sedans, our two heroes confront the true villains of the story…Alternate reality versions of themselves!! The third act would include a series of assassination attempts, a time machine and alien sidekick named P’Nus. By the time the end credits roll the audience is left pondering which versions of the two characters survived the deadly escapade the true version, or the bizarre-esque doppelganger.

As you can tell, each of the above ideas takes some liberties with the source material, but that’s because my life would be as exciting to watch as an episode of HGTV’s “Watching Paint Dry”, or the Oxygen Networks new show “It’s that time of the month”. I could develop a show based on my somewhat dysfunctional family (whom I love dearly by the way), but that would be more awkward to watch than funny, and shows like Rosanne already beat me to the punch.

Let’s now focus on the most critical detail of bringing my story to the big screen…the cast!

Playing the role of me would be legendary television and film star, Jason Bateman. People have often said we even look alike sharing a similar smirk and schnoz. People have also said I look like Clay Aiken, and I would really like to karate chop those people in the jugular.
The role of Lindsey Hardenbrook would be the lovely and talented Rashida Jones. As seen in television series The Office, Rashida exudes a very cute, flirtatious vibe, while still having a commanding screen presence…very similar to my own, real leading lady.
The role of Jonah and Lindsey’s daughter could be played by Dakota Fanning simply because she seems to play every other child age role for a major Hollywood motion picture.
Vincent D’Onofrio would play the role of my brother-in-law, Chris Pruisner. This is mostly because Chris Farley and John Candy are dead.
Playing the role of Anthony Lucia would be Skeet Ulrich. Johnny Depp would be ideal, but I can’t give Anthony that satisfaction, so we’ll go with the poor man’s Depp.
Sigourney Weaver will play the role of my mother.
Ethan Embry and Paulo Costanzo would be cast as close friends Austin and Jubal. Brian Posehn from HBO’s Mr. Show and The Sarah Silverman Program would play by close friend Josh as well.
My Alien Sidekick, P’Nus would be CGI to save on the cost of hiring a real alien.

So tell me who would play you in a big screen adaptation of your life.