Happy New Years

So this is it…2009 is upon us. I am totally psyched with anticipation that 2009 will be way better than this last, which rocked in my opinion. So may 2008 was a shitty year for things like AIG, GMC and OJ Simpson, but I enjoyed it and was a great year for fans of movies and comics (as spotlighted in last weeks super duper “best of 2008” edition).
2008 was also a good year for Antidote Comics made some major strides with the release of Black Jack issue one. That may seem like a small feat, but a lot of time and effort and money had gone into getting that book finished, and Black Jack should help make 2009 a bitchin’ year as well…I’ll get to that in a minute.
This week I wanted to briefly discuss what I am looking forward to most in 2009, saving the best for last of course.

First let’s look at nine things to come from comics this year that I am most looking forward to. I chose to highlight nine because it is 2009…get it?:

Snikity-Snikt Here Comes the Stabbin’: Jason Aaron has a new Wolverine Series in the works that will be hitting the shelves in April. In last weeks edition I touted Jason Aaron as 2008’s best writer, and that is the primary reason I am looking forward to this new series. Ron Garney’s art is another. Here is a link to article about the new series HYPERLINK "http://www.newsarama.com/comics/120812-Wolverine-Weapon-X.html" \t "_blank" http://www.newsarama.com/comics/120812-Wolverine-Weapon-X.html.

A Lasting Legacy: My heart was broken when I heard that Geoff Johns was leaving the Justice Society of America with issue 25. And the announcement that Bill Willingham and Matt Sturges did nothing to mend it; not because I do not like their work, but because (1) Geoff Johns is one of my favorite writers, and (2) I am not familiar with their work. I have not yet had a chance to read Fables or Jack of Fables, nor any of their other work, and (3) the JSA is one of the few DC titles I actually collect. Now despite those three imposing factors I am really looking forward to seeing what Willingham and Sturges can do with some of my favorite DC characters.
I’ve heard nothing but good things about Fables and Jack of Fables, and will hopefully be able to catch up on some trades this year as well.
King of the World: Marvels upcoming Cosmic Event, War of Kings promises to be an action packed space opera much like it’s predecessors Annihilation and Annihilation Conquest. This is especially true under the more-than-capable guidance of Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning (affectionately referred to by most as DnA). These two scribes currently write two of my favorite Marvel titles, Guardians of the Galaxy and Nova.

Being Can Be All He Can Be: A title spinning out of the War of Kings is Dark Hawk (image left). This is probably the single most anticipated title for me this year. Dark Hawk was one of my favorite characters growing up, and I was so excited to see him return to action in the recent pages of Nova. Dark Hawk was always one of those characters that I felt had this untapped potential to be a major player in the marvel universe, especially cosmically speaking. I did enjoy his appearance in the Lovers series, but have still been patiently waiting for the character to truly hit his stride. Based on the recent solicitation for the new miniseries, I believe that time may have come…now hopefully we can get a new ongoing out of it.

Bat-Shit Crazy: The name Azrael conjures up memories of Batman stories throughout the early to mid nineties. After Bruce Wayne’s back had been broken at the hands of Bane, Jean Paul Valley AKA Azrael, stepped into the Batman’s shoes delivering his own, unbalanced and violent form of justice to Gotham. With Bruce Wayne’s fate once again hanging in limbo a new story arc titled “Battle for the Cowl” is underway, and veteran scribe Fabian Nicieza is bringing Azrael back is a three-issue miniseries titled “Death’s Dark Knight.
As a child of the nineties, I loved Azrael, and am really looking forward to his return to the Bat Universe. Plus Fabian is a skilled writer with an uncommon tenure in this field, I grew up reading his work on Marvel’s X-Force, and loved his recently deceased Cable and Deadpool comic.

Action Packed: Action Comics is one of those titles that I pick up every once in a while when a story arc looks interesting or a cover grabs my attention. The Brainiac Saga was the last arc I picked up. This may change in 2009 when Greg Rucka takes over the title. I have always been a big fan of his work, and this year I am going to make a concerted effort to become more involved in the DC Universe, so I intend to start picking this book up with issue #875.

Battle Roayale: Deadpool vs. the Thunderbolts. A crossover between the two titles puts Marvels Merc-with-a-mouth against the most dangerous super team in the world, and the only guaranteed winners are we, the readers. Andy Diggle’s short tenure on the Thunderbolts has been phenomenal so far as he systematically dismantles the team in order to introduce us to a new, deadlier roster.
Deadpool’s new series by Daniel Way has been an unpredictable, hyper violent ride filled with knee-slapping humor. I am really looking forward to seeing Deadpool mix it up with characters in the greater Marvel Universe as opposed to being relegated to his own pocket of the X-verse.+

League of their own?: Justice League of America is re-launching with a new team roster and under the direction of a new writer, James Robinson. I had picked up a few JLA trades written by Grant Morrison, but never followed it beyond that, so I have missed Waid’s, Kelly’s, Meltzer’s and McDuffie’s run. As I strive to get more involved with the greater DCU this upcoming year, I am looking forward to this book as a great jumping on point.

Back in Action: GI Joe will be back in action in 2009 under a new Publisher (IDW), starting with a new “continuity free” story, and written by Chuck Dixon, Christos Gage and the legendary Larry Hama. The Devil’s Due run started out okay, then devolved into utter crap, but managed to bounce back nicely towards the end of the run under direction of writer Mark Powers.
GI Joe is the title that got me into collecting comics in the first place, both back in the very early nineties and again about a decade later. Anyone that knows me at all can attest to what a huge GI Joe nut I am, and am adding these three titles to the top of my pull list.

Here are nine movies I am looking forward to in 2009

Gran Torino: Clint Eastwood is old as dinosaur shit, and is still badass.

The Unborn: I love scary movies…not horror movies, but movies that are actually nightmare inducing, change your panties scary. This looks to be one of those.

Fanboys: I’ve wanted to see this film since I first saw the trailer back in 2004 (or something). This movie has been on the shelf longer than a porno starring Estelle Getty for whatever reason, and it looks like it has finally been slated for a late winter / early spring release date. Geeks of the world unite!

Watchmen: The most coveted Graphic Novel ever written comes brilliantly to life this spring courtesy of Director Zach Snyder. This movie may not live up to the impossible expectations of the most fervent Watchmen fanatics, but this has potential to rival the Dark Knight, and Spider Man 2 as one of the best comic book movies ever made.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’

Wolverine: What do you get when you take Hugh Jackman’s pitch perfect take on Wolverine but without the excess baggage of the other X-cronies and throw into an actioneer with fan favorite characters like Deadpool, Gambit and Sabertooth. I’ll wager what little soul I have that it’s going to be a kick ass summer blockbuster. Now we hopefully finally get to see the Wolverine vs. Sabertooth battle we have been waiting for since the first X-film teased us.

Star Trek: I am not a Star Trek fan. I never liked the movies and never got into the TV show. This movie may change that as it seem to have on aspect that all previous incarnations lacked: Action!

White Out: A mystery thriller based on the miniseries created by Greg Rucka and artist Steve Lieber. I really enjoyed the comic and am looking forward to seeing it adapted to the silver screen.

Terminator: Salvation: Christian Bale as John Conner fighting Terminators. ‘Nuff said!

As for the work at Antidote Comics, we plan to be very busy in 2009. Anthony is hard at work on the second issue of Bloods Own, while Chris is busy on a title of his own called Children of Circus (or COC for short). Black Jack is prepped for a new print run as well as submission to Diamond Distributors, and I will keep you posted as more details become available.
I am finishing up the fourth issue of bloods Own, and I have been continuing work on Black Jack scripts and stories. I will also help Chris with scripting his COC story. There are a number of other projects on my desk that I am not comfortable talking about yet because they do not have an artist attached and I have no idea when they may see the light of day.

There is another big announcement for 2009 that I am very excited for and dying to make, but my wife doesn’t care for me divulging too much personal or family information via this blog, so I will refrain from mentioning that we are expecting a new baby come June…Oh shit, I slipped and mentioned it anyway didn’t I?
Too late to go back and edit now!

Well that’s it for this week, I hope everyone has a great New Years and remembers to party safe! See you next week!

Best of 2008

It's the end of the year, and everyone with a blog, or access to the internet has their very own "Best of 2008" list, so I feel entitled to my own. The following is of my own opinion and does not represent the opinions of Antidote Comics LLC. I don't expect you to agree with my opinions, and if you feel strongly enough to rival my own then feel free to comment. With that said let's get down to business!

Best Comic: Scalped (DC/Vertigo): It was just over a month ago when I posted an entry reviewing the third volume of Jason Aaron’s stunning vision of life and organized crime on an Indian reservation. I am not going to rehash everything here, but did want to touch on a couple of features that make this book the best of the year.
Month in and month out this is by far the best comic book being published, and always at the top of my read pile. Scalped started strong and each arc is better than the previous. Jason Aaron hasn’t just filled the book with an eccentric ensemble cast of wholly original characters, but has instilled each one with several layers of depth and complexity rarely found in a medium filled with cookie-cutter heroes and villains. And just who are the heroes, and who are the villains? Just as in the real world, with Scalped it isn’t that simple. Over the course of the run you develop an emotional attachment to these characters no matter how bad, badass, or down right despicable they may first appear. Each character infused with their own unique persona as well as a motivation, or drive that the reader can easily identify with even though the Rez is far from our own suburbanite environment. Through tight natural dialogue and smooth narration, Jason does a superb job getting us inside the characters heads.
Jason Aaron continuously weaves a tight crime drama, intricately balancing a number of ongoing sub-plots while not losing focus of the books main premise.
I simply cannot praise the book on writing alone. I must commend RM Guera whose morose artwork brilliantly, and brutally brings to life the gritty atmosphere of the tough life on the Rez for its Denizens. The artwork is not pretty, but that’s the point as it perfectly fits the tone of the book. A true cohesiveness between Aaron and Guera is unmistakable as each one’s skill perfectly complements the other resulting in a seamless fusion of storytelling.


Best Writer: Jason Aaron: Jason Aaron has had an impressive year. His Vertigo title Scalped (see above) is the best monthly series hitting the stands. He signed an exclusive contract with Marvel Comics where his work on Ghost Rider has transformed the series from a sub-par superhero comic into a no holds barred Grindhouse horror show. His Wolverine arc “Get Mystique” was a fun hyper-violent game of cat and mouse. And the most enjoyable story to come out of the mega-event “Secret Invasion” was Jason’s few Black Panther issues. I had always been a fan of the Black Panther, though did not necessarily enjoy his portrayal the last few years.
Wizard Magazine recently named Jason best Writer of 2008 as well, which is very well deserved. He tops my list of Best Writer of 2008 for his consistent work on Scalped, returning the Black Panther to his glorious badass-ness, and giving one of my favorite characters (Ghost rider) the treatment it deserves.
I was thrilled to hear the news that Jason and artist Ron Garney are teaming up for a new Wolverine ongoing title in Spring 2009 looks to be a great year to be a Jason Aaron fan.

Best Artist: Mike Deodato Jr.: A tough category because art is all subjective, and there are a number of great artists out there including Steve Epting, Dave Finch, Steve McNiven. But if I have to only choose on artist this year as the best, I have to go with Mike Deodato Jr. Some people may be put off by his photorealistic style, but that happens to suit my interest best. And though I missed his work on the Hulk, I have always been amazed with Deodato’s pencils on titles such as New Avengers and Thunderbolts. His work in Wolverine Origins has been amazing with its cinematic scope and atmosphere, especially the flashback scenes of Wolverine battling both the Hulk and the Wendigo at the same time. Dark Avengers will be his newest title hitting stands soon, and I am completely stoked for it despite its 3.99 price tag.

Best New Title: The Invincible Iron Man (Marvel): I was never an Iron Man fan, and don’t remember buying an Iron Man Comic prior to this. I think I first garnered an interest in him when New Avengers launched a few years back. Since then he has been portrayed as both a hero and a villain, and then a hero again. I didn’t have much interest in this title at first because I felt the launch might feel forced in order to make coincide with the movie that was released about the same time. With the talented Matt Fraction at the helm I was determined to at least give the first issue a try. I instantly became engrossed in the character of Tony Stark, his relationships, his technology, and his enemies. Fraction unlocked the potential to tell stories that were accessible to new readers without ostracizing old fans. Through the first several issues Fraction introduced us to our titular hero, and his supporting cast while amp-ing up the action. He respected continuity and was not hindered by the “Secret Invasion” event running through every other title.
This has been a great title to introduce a new generation of fans to a classic character.

Best Cover: Nova (Marvel): A very tough category to narrow down, simply due to the sheer number of comic book covers I come across, and that there are so many great one’s out there to choose between. So Instead of choosing just one cover, I went with a series that consistently has the best covers…and that series has been Nova. Much like the Annihilation covers the previous year; Nova covers are strikingly beautiful paintings from talented artists like Alex Maleev, Francesco “Matt” Mattina, and Adi Granov. Less a comic cover and more like a beautiful work of art, I would love to have on of these originals hanging on the wall of my office.
Nova has become one of my favorite comics month in and month out, and was front-runner with the Invincible Iron Man for best new title. Nova is becoming a staple title in the Marvel Universe, and should definitely not be overlooked.

Best Graphic Novel: Joker (DC): Acclaimed crime fiction writer, Brian Azzarello (100 Bullets) and artist Lee Bermejo brought us an harrowingly intimate tale of the clown prince of crime. The Joker is just released from Arkham Asylum and intends on reclaiming what he feels is rightfully his, control of Gotham’s underworld. This rendition of the Joker, beautifully drawn by Bermejo, is eerily reminiscent of Heath Ledger’s portrayal in the Dark Knight. The Joker’s actions and dialogue are as sadistic and twisted as his smile, and the character Jonny Frost is relatable to the reader despite being a scumbag gangster wannabe.
This book has made the list because it’s a self-contained story and not reliant on knowledge of DC’s continuity, plus it is beautifully illustrated and wonderfully scripted. Plus it passed the ultimate test, the “wife test”. My wife doesn’t read comic books or have any interest in them. She did read Pride of Baghdad, which was a Christmas gift. She has started reading Wanted as well as Y: The Last Man but has yet to finish them. This was an easy read for her, and she enjoyed it. That says a lot about a book in a genre that seems constantly haunted by it’s inability to attract and keep new readers.


Best “Event”: “Brand New Day” Amazing Spiderman (Marvel Comics): Forget about the over-hyped Secret Invasion and the multiple-problem-riddled Final Crisis, the best comic book event of the year was Spider Man’s controversial reboot titled “Brand New Day”, and this is despite internet fandom’s condemnation of the previous story “One More Day”, in which our titular hero made a deal with the devil to save the life of his dying aunt May retconning decades of stories and plot points. With “Brand New Day” we were introduced to new era of the Spider Man mythos. It served as a perfect jumping on point for new readers such as myself. The rotating creative team putting out three books a month provided us with a much larger canvas for Spider Man stories to be built upon because of brand new supporting characters and new villains (some very bizarre). The risky maneuver by Marvel’s powers that be paid off in spades: Spider Man Comics are fun again; they are energetic, filled with vibrant humor and action, and mysteries that keep this reader coming back for more.
The individual story arcs are –for the most part- self-contained, so anyone off the street can grab an issue, quickly get caught up by the recap page, and then immediately get pulled into the action. They have been free of the burden of company crossovers, which had infected so many other Marvel titles this past year.
Those that stood by their laurels and haven’t picked up a Spider Man comic since “One More Day” are truly missing out. These are great stories written by some of the most talented writers out there, with amazing art.

Best Single Issue: Thunderbolts (Marvel) #126: This was a tough one to decide because I read nearly a dozen comics each week as well as a number of trade paperbacks. Because I don’t count the Trades as single issues, none of those issues comprising the books content were considered. I started reading the Thunderbolts following Marvels Civil War event under the direction of Warren Ellis. Christos Gage most recently wrote the series, and the story arc had the team embroiled in the Secret Invasion. Reading about this team of villains has become something of a guilty pleasure of mine. This particular issue marks the transition from Gage as writer to Andy Diggle. Thunderbolts #126 makes the grade for a number of reasons including the seamless transition of creative teams, accessibility to new readers, the stunning detail and atmospheric art by Roberto De La Torre, and most importantly was a cliffhanger ending that sent chills up my spine and left a lump in my throat. Songbird has become one of my favorite characters (not just female), and I would love to take a crack at writing her in a series someday.
Though the Thunderbolts title didn’t cut it as my favorite series of the year (I think the fatigue of Secret Invasion had began taking it’s toll). However, under Diggles’ vision it certainly has potential to be there next year.
My one concern is regarding the new roster; I do enjoy Ant Man, but the other characters referenced I am not too familiar with, or have my reservations about. You can read an interview with Andy Diggle here:

http://www.newsarama.com/comics/120817-Diggle-ThunderboltsB.html. At this point I am putting my faith in Andy and am keeping an open mind.

Best Movie: The Dark Knight (Warner Bros): Easily my favorite movie of the year, The Dark Knight had it all, breathtaking action, special effects, and one of the most memorable onscreen performances I have ever seen…Ever! Heath Ledger’s portrayal as the Joker is at times amusing and also very haunting. It is a performance that you will be talking about long after the end credits have finished. I never once saw Heath Ledger “playing” the role of the Joker as I had seen with Jack Nicholson almost two decades earlier; I simply saw the Joker…and it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Heath Ledger has already been nominated for a Golden Globe award for this legendary performance; I have a feeling that an Oscar nomination is not far behind, and it would be totally deserved.
Other close runners up include Iron Man and Tropic Thunder…I have a man crush on Robert Downey Jr.

Best Television Series: Lost (ABC): I caught the pilot episode of Lost way back when it originally aired on ABC, and though I was intrigued I was not blown away. I missed a few episodes then tried to catch another, but was completely lost (no pun intended) with what was happening…so I gave up. I revisited the series earlier this fall watching the first three seasons on DVD, and possibly in record time as well. With a plot that provided more questions to each answer, and an eccentric ensemble cast each with their own back-story, I was immediately hooked. It has become one of my favorite shows of all time. Each episode ends with a cliffhanger to rival that of the great comic series Y: the Last Man. Y’s creator and writer, Brian K Vaughan also served as a Producer and writer on Lost, so that may not be a coincidence.

Bits and Pieces:

Christmas is this week. It’s come so fast that it doesn’t seem real (that’s what she said).

I know someone who bought her infant child a cute little sweater complete with his name on it. Good call mom, Kids love getting clothes for Christmas as opposed to say…toys. And stick your child in a sweater with their name on it to tell all the pedophiles and kidnappers out there who he is.

I saw The Day the Earth Stood Still last night. If the Earth really had stood still it would not have been because of an impending alien invasion, but because of this terrible movie. From the opening sequence the movie was plagued by less-than-stellar acting, bad dialogue, poor editing, and lack luster special effects. Plus a rushed cop-out of an ending that left me thinking, that was it!
Save your nine bucks for comics instead…though I do not know what 9.00 will get you in the near future…

Starting this month a number of comics from Marvel have a 3.99 price tag as opposed to 2.99, which I had become accustomed to. The transition has been subtle, with some 3.99 books added to the mix over the past year. Backlash from the net indicates that fanboys will revolt and stop purchasing the single issues, and wait for the trade or conversion to online. Their bite is frequently worse than their bite so I will believe it when I see it. I myself am going to become more stringent on new titles I may pick up, and may even wait on mini-series until the release in trade, but I have no plans of dropping any current series at this time, and that is not because I am against the price increase, but rather because I live with limited fundage.
Maybe the price increase goes to help Marvel pay their talent, and as someone striving to be part of that talent pool someday I can not scold Marvel for it.

A new Judge Dredd film has been green lit through DNA films, which brought us movies like Sunshine and 28 Weeks Later, which I am a big fan of both of. The hope is that the new film will cause critics to forget the much lauded 95’ version with Sly Stallone. Much like the rest of fandom, I also hope they keep the helmet on regardless of who’s underneath it.

I’ve also seen a teaser poster of a new Robocop movie indicating a summer of 2010 release. I consider the original Robocop one of the bloodiest movies of its time, and one of my favorites. It’s a classic that doesn’t necessarily need to be remade at all.

Is anyone actually looking forward to the movie, The Spirit? The movie looks like what Sin City could have been if it hadn’t been in the capable hands of Robert Rodriguez. On the other hand, I am really looking forward to the new Eastwood movie, “Gran Torino”.

I am working on a piece next week touting what to expect from Antidote Comics in 2009. Should be an exciting year.

Merry Christmas

It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to post anything new, but that hasn’t been for lack of effort. I’ve gone back in forth, both in my head and one paper, trying to decide on a suitable topic. I was going to post a “best of 2008” list, and still may in a couple of weeks. Since I’ve been very busy lately getting ready for the holidays I figured that topic might be as good as any other, so let’s talk about Christmas (or any other holiday you may celebrate in lieu of). Let’s talk about your fondest Christmas memory, favorite gift, or least favorite for that matter.

My fondest Christmas memory isn’t so much a single isolated event, but the memory of a grand tradition. This was a tradition that began before I can remember, and lasted up until my early twenties. This tradition was centered on family, great food, fun games, and of course gifts.
Each year Christmas began with a drive to my aunt’s house to celebrate with my father’s extended family. We spent our time in the basement, where the dark wood paneling, crackling fire in the fireplace, and large deer head mounted on the wall conveyed sense of warmth. There was a large brightly decorated tree in the corner of the room surrounded by a mountain of presents. Another room in the basement served as a buffet station with a plethora or tasty treats ranging from little smokies and various types of jerky to seasonal cookies and cupcakes. This room also contained a fully stocked bar though I was much to young to partake, but they had a variety of soda (pop) and juices to choose from as well.
After we our tummies were stuffed, it was time for presents. My uncle dressed up as Santa Claus and came down into the basement to hand out gifts. Each child received one present that had been pre-selected by our respective parents. After Santa handed out his gifts he headed off to deliver presents to the rest of the children across the world. While the kids tore into their packages and played with their toys, the adults played a grab bag game. Grab bag was something I grasped the concept of until much later, and to this day it is one of my favorite things about gathering together with the family. I always remember it being late, or at least very dark when it came time to leave my aunt’s house and head home. I was both eager to get to sleep yet completely restless at the same time. I was unable to shake the excitement of Christmas, and my parents always warned me that Santa wouldn’t come to the house until we were all asleep. Though I would fight it eventually I did fall asleep.
There was one rule Christmas morning; we all went downstairs together as a family. My brother and I would wake up earlier that day than any other day of the year, and would excitedly barge into our parent’s bedroom to share the joy with them. After a giving my parents a few minutes to wake up, we tore downstairs eager to see what Santa Clause had brought. This aspect of the tradition had changed when I was thirteen and had moved into a new house where my parent’s room was upstairs while my brother’s room and mine were on the main level, but I digress. I always remember the excitement and awe of tearing into the wrapping paper to discover a new and exotic GI Joe vehicle that I had never seen before. Our stockings were stuffed with trinkets, candy, and a few new GI Joe figures to command our new vehicles. Of course after opening our gifts it was up to our father to assemble the vehicles, so we could play for a bit before heading off to our next Christmas destination…Grandma’s house.
What kid wasn’t excited about going to the Grandparents house for Christmas? I can’t speak for anyone else out there, but the Grandparents spoiled my cousins, brother and me rotten. Aside from the video game systems, GI Joe toys and board games, the best gift was the one that my grandfather made. He made everything from games to wooden GI Joe bases, all of which I still have in my possession. One game was comprised of small wooden gun (working trigger mechanism and all) shot rubber bands at little targets that pivoted on clothespins, eventually my brother and I began targeting each other instead.
I would spend all day at my Grandparents house eating, watching movies, playing with my new toys, or playing games with my cousins. One of my fondest memories is of my Grandfather teaching my cousin and I how to play cribbage, and though he schooled us every time (still does actually) it was always a lot of fun. Just as with my aunt’s house it was always late when we left my grandparents house, and though I was always exhausted I already couldn’t wait for next year in anticipation of doing it all over again.

Over a decade later I am no longer the child I once was (though I do still play with toys), and a new tradition has begun. I have my own family now, and a daughter that is just as excited for Christmas morning as I always was. This Christmas Eve we will be going to my parent’s house (well, it’s my mom’s house now, but my dad will be there…but that’s a story for another time). My mom, with the help of my brother’s fiancé, will prepare a generous Christmas dinner. We will eat, play games, and the kids will open presents. I expect my daughter, Zoe, to be both tired and excited when we leave my mom’s house, and fall asleep on our drive back into town.
Christmas morning Zoe will wake up earlier than any other day of the year, and rush into our bedroom to wake us up. We will all head downstairs together where we will open presents, and I will stoke a fire in the fireplace. After we open presents, Zoe will play with her toys. I won’t have a chance to play with my new toys (I know I am getting toys because I helped Santa Claus pick them out and even pay for them) because I will be busy making breakfast.
After breakfast, we will head over to my wife’s parents house to spend the day. Just as when I was child Santa Clause also visits there leaving a number of toys for the children, and yes, the children are just as spoiled as I was if not more so. Throughout the day we will eat and play games, which includes a grab bag game. Every year I try to out do the year before with a gift that is both farcical yet truly rewarding. A few years ago it was a photo of mew wearing a Santa Claus hat, flipping the camera the bird, and the words “Merry fucking Christmas” outlining the frame. Last year I picked up a movie from Wal-Mart’s Hispanic video rack, using an Exacto knife I slit the plastic covering and slipped in a couple of lottery tickets, and then resealed the plastic so that it appeared that it had not been tampered with. This year my wife’s idea was to steal her mothers favorite green sweater then wrap it up as a gag gift. As for my own gift idea I am thinking gay porn!

So as one great tradition had ended a new one has begun, and this tradition will carry on until Zoe has a family of her own (decades from now hopefully), and my wife and I become the Grandparents with the means (I should start saving now) of spoiling the grandchildren. The circle of life continues, right Simba?
Though there have been some changes in regards to the Holiday tradition one important aspect of this most joyous of holiday seasons remains constant…the presents! Just kidding. It’s actually the love and warmth that comes from spending time with friends and family. The food, liquor, and laughs are all part of the festivities, and I know I could enjoy those items on my own, but it’s much more fun to share with those I love.

I know I joke about presents as being an important part of the Christmas tradition, and to a certain extent it is. Not so much the receiving per say, but the giving. A big part of Christmas is giving, and the mass consumerism our great nation is built upon has ingrained that aspect of the holiday into our head. Black Friday is damning evidence of this. So among all the presents you have both given or received, is there one particular gift that stands out among all the rest? Maybe you were the lucky recipient of a brand new Lexus like in those Oh so realistic commercials on television. I’m waiting for a debt consolidation firm to have a commercial showing that same vehicle getting repo’d six months later. Or perhaps you’ve given a special loved one a beautiful cubic zirconium necklace from Gordman’s.
One gift I remember receiving in particular was from just a couple of years ago. There was a Punisher statue I had a complete hard-on for, but it’s steep price point made it an unrealistic purchase. I had hinted at it to my wife, and even showed her some pictures I’d taken via cell-phone, but again had no expectations of ever getting it. Low and behold on Christmas morning my wife sends me downstairs to start a pot of coffee, and guess what is sitting on the kitchen counter staring right back at me. It was the highly coveted Punisher statue of course! If it weren’t then this story would have been completely pointless. He was even wearing a pink Santa hat! That statue has a very special place in my heart for a few reasons: The Punisher is my favorite comic book character, and it was a complete surprise, which is epic if you know my wife’s ability to keep a secret. The Punisher has his own place in my office on a glass table where he can watch me work.

Now what about a bad Christmas gift? Is there such a thing, or is it always the thought that counts? Regardless of the thought a gift can still suck. Why else would the return department at stores be so insanely busy the day after? Now I am not even going to mention the phallic shaped piece of driftwood I received one year because that was touted as “a family heir-loom. One of my worst gifts is categorized as such because of both the actual item and the thought (or lack there of). One year an ex-girlfriend gave me boxer shorts. Not just one pair, but four or five pairs. Old Navy must’ve had a sale on X-mas themed boxers where you buy one you get four free or something. We weren’t dating at the time and she was seeing someone else, but none-the-less I loved her and actually put a lot of thought and consideration into her gift (I can’t remember what it was, but I’m sure it was thoughtful), and she got me boxer shorts with Christmas trees, snowmen and even reindeer! I wonder if her douche-bag boyfriend would’ve liked the idea of her giving me underwear as a gift. And what does it say about the quality of Old Navy products that the boxers didn’t last as long as our painfully contrived relationship.
I don’t know if I have ever given a gift to which someone said, “thanks for the shitty gift.” I suppose that is what Christmas lists are for, but you can ask my wife about it. This year I picked her up a…I better not spill the beans here. She typically doesn’t bother to read these blogs, but with my luck this would be the one time she does!

I hope everyone has a great holiday, and would love to hear your own stories about an unforgettable Christmas memory. Till next time!

Lights, Camera, Action

Soon to be a Major Motion Picture

So the title may be a little misleading…okay, very misleading. And that first sentence is a complete lie. This entry isn’t about Black Jack being optioned for a film, or even an actual film. This entry is a “what if” style look at my own life being made into a film. What would the title be? Who would be cast as the title and supporting characters? What’s the basic premise? Is it a three-film deal like a trilogy, or done in one?

One possibility for a Major Motion picture about yours truly would be a dramedy titled Highway To Hell, which seems appropriate since the majority of those close to me seem to think that’s where I will be spending eternity. As one of the years best films, and nominated for six Academy Awards, the movie’s basic plot would be follow my downward spiral into a life of debauchery including alcoholism and womanizing…and that’s just the first act. The second act would be my inevitable self-discovery thanks in part to the love of a good woman, and then my steady rise to success as business mogul, husband and father. The third and final act has yet to be determined, but may include a close call with death where my life flashes before my eyes either via a horrific skydiving accident or testicular cancer. This close call reaffirms my love of life and my family. To encapsulate, this particular film would be a dramedy in the same vein as American Beauty (except I hopefully live to see the end credits), or Boys Don’t Cry (except, once again, I hopefully live to see the end credits)

Another concept is a bit more comical, and would be more like Grandma’s Boy, or Super Bad. This film titled Fanboy For Life would follow the life of a genius slacker content with a life debauchery (a similarity in the various story ideas), living in his parent’s basement, and simply dreaming of being a comic book writer without actually writing anything. Instead our ignoble hero reads comics, plays with toys, drinks too much, smokes too little, and shirks of responsibility. This all changes when he falls for a beautiful woman totally out of his league, and is forced to take responsibility and grow up or risk losing the girl of his dreams. It is through a series of life changing events such as getting a real job, getting married and starting a family does our hero decide to pursue his dream as a comic book writer. Once again the third act has yet to be determined, but would involve a long tenure creating and writing some of pop-cultures most iconic figures, but always remembering that his family comes first.

A third and final concept titled Saving the World One Dame At A Time, which would take many more liberties with the subject matter would be an action comedy produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and direct by Michael Bay. This version of my story would feature a hapless “everyman” type protagonist that discovers he holds the key to stopping a vast left wing conspiracy to bring about a socialist-totalitarian government in the United States. Once again our hero meets the girl of his dreams who decides to tag along assisting him in his quest to protect his freedom of speech and his Capitalistic ideologies. After a submarine chase, an aerial dogfight, and a car chase between a 09 Dodge Challenger and a dozen black BMW 5 series sedans, our two heroes confront the true villains of the story…Alternate reality versions of themselves!! The third act would include a series of assassination attempts, a time machine and alien sidekick named P’Nus. By the time the end credits roll the audience is left pondering which versions of the two characters survived the deadly escapade the true version, or the bizarre-esque doppelganger.

As you can tell, each of the above ideas takes some liberties with the source material, but that’s because my life would be as exciting to watch as an episode of HGTV’s “Watching Paint Dry”, or the Oxygen Networks new show “It’s that time of the month”. I could develop a show based on my somewhat dysfunctional family (whom I love dearly by the way), but that would be more awkward to watch than funny, and shows like Rosanne already beat me to the punch.

Let’s now focus on the most critical detail of bringing my story to the big screen…the cast!

Playing the role of me would be legendary television and film star, Jason Bateman. People have often said we even look alike sharing a similar smirk and schnoz. People have also said I look like Clay Aiken, and I would really like to karate chop those people in the jugular.
The role of Lindsey Hardenbrook would be the lovely and talented Rashida Jones. As seen in television series The Office, Rashida exudes a very cute, flirtatious vibe, while still having a commanding screen presence…very similar to my own, real leading lady.
The role of Jonah and Lindsey’s daughter could be played by Dakota Fanning simply because she seems to play every other child age role for a major Hollywood motion picture.
Vincent D’Onofrio would play the role of my brother-in-law, Chris Pruisner. This is mostly because Chris Farley and John Candy are dead.
Playing the role of Anthony Lucia would be Skeet Ulrich. Johnny Depp would be ideal, but I can’t give Anthony that satisfaction, so we’ll go with the poor man’s Depp.
Sigourney Weaver will play the role of my mother.
Ethan Embry and Paulo Costanzo would be cast as close friends Austin and Jubal. Brian Posehn from HBO’s Mr. Show and The Sarah Silverman Program would play by close friend Josh as well.
My Alien Sidekick, P’Nus would be CGI to save on the cost of hiring a real alien.

So tell me who would play you in a big screen adaptation of your life.